Learning to Accept Yourself

OK, I admit it - I watch Oprah. Often times I really don't want to, but I'm inexplicably drawn to most of her shows... particularly the ones on self improvement (I thankfully blame Oprah and my boss Monica for getting me to read A New Earth).

So I heard today's show was about her weight gain and how she's struggled with gaining 40 pounds back. I was intrigued to hear what she had to say about it since my weight has fluctuated through the years.

I was never athletic when I was younger. In my youth I often used food as a comfort for the self hatred I felt at being gay. When I first came out at 19, I felt very unattractive and undesirable. Like most, I struggled to find the inner strength to get in shape and stay in shape. It's never come easy for me. I've always envied the people who were seemingly 'born' with a spectacular metabolism. Many work hard for where they are at... I certainly admire that.

When I was 31 I REALLY took the initiative to get in shape. I hired trainers, spent an hour each night preparing food for the following day, worked out sometimes twice a day... I was obsessed and wanted to prove to everyone and myself that I could be that 'hot guy' people desired. I wanted acceptance... I CRAVED acceptance... I needed to know that I was good enough. And I certainly got attention. As I later found, I was doing it all for the wrong reasons.

It was following some extremely difficult times about 5 years ago that I went into a depression and gained much of the weight back. Sadly this weight gain made me become even more introverted as I didn't want to go out to my former haunts and be seen by people who knew me when I'd been thinner. I didn't want to face ridicule. I would sit on the street car on the way to work and see my reflection in the window and turn away - ashamed that I had let depression and anxiety rule my life.

I've done a lot of work over the last two years to get myself back on track mentally and physically. I'm no where where I'd like to be physically (do we ever actually reach that point?). I still struggle often - but for the most part, I'm OK with it now. I have an inner peace that somehow makes it all OK. Maybe it's age/maturity? Maybe it's liking who I am on the inside and knowing that's what counts.

So, that brings me back to Oprah. In today's show she spent the first 15 minutes explaining the reasons and feelings behind her weight gain. And something she said totally hit home for me... and it was this...

"The journey to (find) yourself... to take better care of yourself... to honor yourself... to have reverence for yourself... to have harmony with your life... appreciation for your life... to love yourself is a never ending journey. That's what I think... My goal isn't to be thin, my goal is to be the weight that my body can hold and be healthy and strong and fit and be itself.. And one of the things I have to learn to do is to embrace this body that I have. And be grateful for what this body has given me."